Returning to ONEself

When I was a young boy I used to enjoy staring blankly at the wall whenever I had a few minutes to spare. It was a pastime to which I would return time and time again. It gave me a sense of peace and happiness that I could not really describe. I was not sure if there was a name for such an activity and wondered if other people also indulged in it.

Despite having visited the Buddhist temple with my family on a regular basis, I had a very vague understanding of meditation. I thought it was a special magical practice done only by the monks. Their unintelligible chants seemed to be some form of communication with the higher realms to which only they had access. Meditation was definitely not for the lay people, let alone a young child.

As I grew older, I realized what I did during my spare time was probably some crude form of meditation, perhaps not too dissimilar to what the monks practiced at the temple. So, I studied everything I could get my hands on to improve my meditation skills, in hope of attaining the states of bliss and transcendence that I read so much about in the books. I tried and tried, but no matter how hard I tried, I failed. In fact, I failed to even replicate the peacefulness that I had experienced as a child.

It finally dawned on me that while I was trying so hard to learn to meditate the right way, I was going about it the wrong way. I kept filling up my mind with this concept or that concept, this path or that path, this technique or that technique until there was no room left for, well, emptiness. Finally, I gave up- and this proved to be the technique that worked! In process of giving up, I also let go. By letting go of the clutter in my head, I could feel my body becoming lighter as the burden of expectations was lifted away as if by magic. In that brief, but climatic, moment, I was able to rediscover myself.

Meditation is a practice whose benefits are realized only on an experiential level. Too much book knowledge may hinder the mind’s capacity to let go and simply be. To return to ourselves, we must free ourselves from all conceptualization, analysis, calculation and other mental phenomena that clutter our minds. Obviously, we meditate with a goal in mind. But we also meditate to gain a fresh, new way of looking at things.

When we are able to let go and simply be, we awaken to that which remains constant throughout our lives, namely our inner child. As children our inner child was more alive. We seemed always carefree because everything we did was an expression of our very being. We played and voiced our feelings freely, sometimes to the dismay of our parents.

As we grew older, we took on bigger and bigger roles and responsibilities. Our inner child gradually faded into dormancy as we developed a sense of self-identity which we would struggle to maintain throughout our adulthood. In the process of growing up we left behind our inner child and forgot to simply be ourselves.

Obviously, as we grow older our bodies change. Our needs evolve. We mature. So, it would be foolish and unnatural to behave as if we’re children again. Reclaiming one’s inner child is not about reverting to childish immaturity. It is about reconnecting with our true essence, remembering to simply be ourselves, and re-awakening the divine gift which has always been a part of us, and returning to ONEself.